"Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out."
"I must be a mushroom because I'm always kept in the dark and fed bullshit."
"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices."
"When was a lad, there was only one Germany, Latvia, Estonia, Khazachstan, Eusbekistan, Bosnia, Herzegovina; and then it all changed. And then it all changed back again. Those changes cost the lives of 66 million people. But it didn't cost me a penny -- 'cause I kept my old atlas."
"There's too much blood in my caffeine system."
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This one's been around a while but worth a mention:
ReplyDeleteYou know you've had too much coffee when...
*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
*You have to watch videos in fast-forward
*You lick your coffee pot clean
*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
*You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
*Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans"
*Instant coffee takes too long
: )